not all who wander are lost.
i remember the night that i was officially leaving canada for 3 months so clearly. i spent my last week at a friend’s house, and kept busy preparing my suitcase, calling my family, buying last minute items, and tieing up a few lose ends. and on that last night, it seemed as though everything was becoming real to me. i was sitting in the passenger seat as we headed to the grocery store to pick up a few lunch items for the next day. i sat in the car while the boys ran inside to get what they needed, and the moment they shut those doors, i felt my heart just pounding. in the silence of that vehicle, i literally thought the sound of my heart beating so fast was going to break the windows. and then my eyes aren’t to well up with tears, and just as one was about to escape from my eye, i saw the boys husseling out of the grocery store, at which point i quickly got myself together again so they didn’t have to witness such a scene.
but it was happening. everything that i had prayed about, talked about, worried about, cried about, yelled about, pondered about..well, it was all happening. that evening, it was happening. and i remember putting the last item in my suitcase upstairs, and realizing that it was time to go. as i walked downstairs, sat on the couch to collect myself, i seemed to do the total opposite. the tears started coming, and they didn’t stop! they just kept coming, and regardless of the back rubs i got to follow in that moment, and the comforting words and hugs that surrounded me, i just couldn’t stop the tears. it wasn’t that i didn’t want to embark on my ventures, but there was just something inside of me that was having a difficult time letting go in that moment. but, i had to. and so, i was led out towards my car at midnight, and forced to say my final goodbye. and that final goodbye was a tough one, may of been one of the hardest actually. but, i got through it, jumped into my car, pumped the music in an effort to get me upbeat, and away i went.
the tears eventually stopped, and my journey to both zimbabwe and india began. looking back now, i never forgot about canada or the people here, but god also granted me a lot of grace, and filled the voids of the people that had a difficult time leaving in the first place. god constantly filled whatever void that seemed to appear, and never stopped holding my hand through the experience.
and not only holding my hand, but leading me places that i never thought i would go. and pushing me into circumstances that i never thought i was fit to be in. but, god stuck around, and always came through with the strength, guidance, and words that i needed to fulfill what he wanted of me in those moments. mind you, i screwed up. gosh, did i make a lot of mistakes while i was away. i said the wrong things, i did the wrong things, i wore the wrong things, and i focused on the wrong things sometimes. but, eventually, god reminded me of the need to look to him, and stay focused on what he had for me, instead of what i thought i could or should be doing.
and this experience changed me. i know this phrase is used very often, and it almost seems cliche, but it really did. and continues to change me even as i enter back into canada and the existing culture here. it’s still the beginning stages, and i know that god has a lot of work to do in my life yet, but there is a movement in my heart going on. and every single day, i thank god for the opportunity to have returned to both zimbabwe, and enter into the world of india. as i attempt to find the words to express this change, i feel like i’m coming up short. it’s one of those things that there doesn’t seem to be the proper words in the english language to articulate how it’s made me feel. i want to try though, and if i come up with it, i’ll be sure to share it with you.
but, it’s interesting you know. when i think about my last night in india, that was an extremely tough one too. i finished my last evening of ministry with aunty, and i was stuck in the pouring rain at the church. as i waited for the rain to stop, and began reflecting on the last two months, it all hit me again. this trip was coming to an end, and that evening, i would be packing my bags, and boarding an early flight to head back to north america the next morning. i remember finally climbing into the audio with uncle, and soaking me in my last audio drive for the trip. and as we approached the house, i realized that i had to say goodbye to uncle. and that the goodbyes of the people very dear to me, were happening and were going to continue to happen throughout the night. and as the morning crept its way into the alandur community, i found myself sitting in the living room with christo, sarah, and aunty. and in that room, i felt my eyes well up with tears again. the goodbyes were starting, and i didn’t want them to. and as we walked up to the taxi and put my bags into the back, the tears didn’t stop, and i could hardly manage to get any words out as i hugged the both of them. even as i stepped into the cab, and drove towards the airport, the tears didn’t stop. i don’t think i finally got a cap on them until i had flown out of india and into europe.
and it dawned on me. my trip started with tears; the anticipation, and nerves for what was to come. the goodbyes that i didn’t want to offer, and the hugs that i wish i could just hold onto. and then, here i was. as i left india, i felt the same way; the anticipation and nerves to return home. the goodbyes that i didn’t want to offer, and the hugs that i wish i could just hold onto.
and so it happened, i started and ended in a basket of tears and emotions. i wouldn’t change any of it though. those emotions and those tears are linked to the deep love and passion that i have aquired for india, and the burning desire that god has put in my heart to return. and the revolution that he is continuing to do in my heart right now.
so, right now, i want to let you all know that this may (or may not, we’ll see if i end up having a burning desire in a week to throw another ‘not all who wander are lost’ post out there) be the last post for ‘not all who wander are lost’, but it won’t be the last post from me. god is working in my heart, and creating a path, and i want you to continue to walk on this journey with me. for that reason, in the next month or so, i want to create a new, regular blog, that i will continue to do posts on. at this point, i’m not sure exactly what the focus will be on, but god knows, and in his time, he’ll inform me of the details.
i want to thank all of you for reading ‘not all who wander are lost’ over the past few months, and i hope that once i get the new blog up and running, you will continue to join me for an afternoon read. thank you for the love and support you have offered me so far, i know that network of people that continued to lift me up helped me so much as i embarked on these journeys this summer.
so, thank you! you’re amazing, and i hope that we will stay connected.
from ‘not all who wander are lost’,
Originally posted to not all who wander are lost.